Thursday, May 3, 2012

Jiminy Just Gave Me The Finger

One of my weekly DVR pleasures is "Once Upon A Time."  It's a show about storybook characters that have been trapped in the human world by an evil queen, and they are now working as kindergarten teachers, diner waitresses, and curio shop owners while the truth is slowly unravelled by a plucky police woman.  This week, the story line was about Pinocchio and his conscience, a little bug named Jiminy Cricket.

I like Jiminy, even though he is not very good at his job.  I believe that we all have that inner voice steering us along, but some of us have better crickets than others.

As a child, I can imagine JC (ooh, now that's interesting - JC stands for Jiminy Cricket AND JC Penney's  ...... JK! ... you know I meant Jesus)  ... anyway, I can imagine JC talking to me during the really tough times:

JC: "Now Baby Alison, don't eat that - it's a roly poly, not an M&M."
Me:  "Ga ga goo?"

JC: "Sweet Preschool Alison, there's no need to scream that you can't find your orange crayon."
Me: "I'm gonna kick you in the butt!!"

JC:  "Hey 5th Grade Alison, don't pretend Josh Charles from Dead Poet's Society is your boyfriend - everyone knows that's a magazine photo in your Trapper Keeper."
Me: "Sigh. I know, but Michael Pilcher won't "go" with me ... did you know he's from Guam?!"

JC: "Um, 11th Grade Big Al, I'm not so sure that your boyfriend is down with girls ..."
Me: "Well, hell, no one else is asking, so Viva La Birdcage!"

JC, grabbing the bottle of Southern Comfort: "College McFly, you are clearly not listening to me and I have had it. Sucking on a penny does NOT lower your BAL and the Shopping Cart Dance is not hilarious."
Me: "You're pretty."

JC:  "You know, {hiccup} I don't have to be here.  I could have auditioned at Pixar and made it big. {hiccup} But NO ... I tried to save your skinny ass from a path of ill repute.  So fine, {hiccup} take the job at $19K a year without benefits ... May I recommend moonlighting at The Cheetah? {hiccup}"
Me: "But love is all I need to survive."

JC: "If you {hiccup} say yeth to another volunteers {hiccup} position, I am GONE FROM HEEERE.  {Burp} Don't do it  ... I mean this ... I'm at the end of my ropes! {a little barf}"
Me: "Yes, I'll be President of Everything."
JC: "THAT'S IT - Jiminy OUT!"

And that's when he gave me the finger.

Do I miss my conscience?  Sure.  It's nice to be reminded you're a complete fool.  But I have learned how to say no during my 40 years, and I am getting better at it.  I hear he's getting out of rehab soon, and when he does, he is very welcome to come back and sit on my shoulder and help me pick out something fabulous for Vegas.  Because no one puts Baby in a corner.

Until next time, keep crowin' ... and listen to your Jiminy!

1 comment:

  1. Best one yet! My HS boyfriend batted for the other team too. Live and learn.