Friday, June 13, 2014


Hey, i am in traffic court.  Carolyn home if the boys need anything.
Did ur cop show?
I think he is here.  Is that bad?
not sure.

What?  What do you mean?  Is there going to be testimony?  I'm not prepped for trial!  Why would this woman tattoo "Boobie" on her back?

All Rise.  Court is now in session.  The Honorable Judge Something Schow Schow presiding.

These people all look guilty of serious crimes.  And I hope that woman is just asleep.

Good afternoon.  Before we begin, I would like to explain your options today. Everyone here has been accused of a misdemeanor crime, which is punishable by a $1,000 fine and up to a year in prison.

I'm going to JAIL?!  For speeding?!

However, if you plead nolo or guilty today, I will only assess a $150 fine.  You may also plead not guilty, and ask for a bench or jury trial, compliant, or first offense. I will consider other options for first offenders.

Thank God. I'll take  Nolo for $150, Alex.

If you are under 21, please stand.  Ma'am did you receive a citation?  No? You're with her? Then you can sit down.

Rookie mistake.  At least the other perps and I are bonding over a laugh. Might help me on the inside.

So, I am going to leave the room.  When the clerk says your name, please call out your plea. 

Roll call?  We have to say it out loud?  What happened to attorney client privilege?  These people don't know my life!

Mary Anderson?

Tom Baker?

Marshall Coleman?

Where is everyone?  Am I in the right place?

Ann Davis?

Guilty of what?! GUILTY OF WHAT?!

John English?
I gotta question.
What's your plea Mr. English?
Naw, I gotta question.
We'll speak with you later.

June Franklin?
Oh hell, she's pissed

Steve Olson?
First offense.

Alison Paul?
Speak you idiot, speak!
What are they writing down?  Who is she calling?  

Ms. Franklin?  Please step outside with your officer.
Now what is this?  Where are they going? Is he letting her off so he can go home?   What a scam.  I am changing my plea.  But then I have to talk to my cop - alone.  And do I really know what is happening out there? What if she is getting manacled?  I'm actually kinda guilty ...  They're back.  She's sitting down.  She still looks mad.

Mr. Olson, please come forward.  Carl, which driving course does he sign up for?
Driving course?  How is that better than just paying the fine?  Or is it online?  Do they check to see if you are really a first offender?  Maybe I'll roll the dice.  I can totally do online.

Yes ma'am, can I help you?
I miss court yesterday.  What do I do?
According to your original date here, you were supposed to go to criminal court.  Have you taken your 12-week anger management course?
Oh HELL no.  I call a recess.  

Ms. Paul?  Please come forward.
Here we go.  Don't overdo it.  Get your dress out of your butt.

Ms. Paul, by pleading nolo today, you understand that you cannot plead nolo again for 5 years?
You people will never see me again.  If I have to drive on the emergency brake for the rest of my life, I swear it.

Please sign here and you can go pay.
Hurry and sign.  Don't ask questions.  Go, just go ... no!  Don't follow the officer.  Hang back!  HANG BACK!

Just walk like you're an attorney ... no one will judge.  OK, this was the wrong way.  Keep walking like you meant to go down the alley.  Don't look at that man.  Where's my car?  It's not up here!  It's been stolen!  Oh God.  Wait ... ... there it is - at the top of THAT parking deck.  I think I've got my next blog ....

Until next time, keep crowin' and drive 55!

No comments:

Post a Comment