It was Wednesday at Kroger, so really, it was my own fault. I HATE Senior Citizen Discount day, and every time I pull in to the parking lot on a Wednesday, I curse myself. The car had a big Boca Grande front license tag, so I knew what age bracket I was dealing with.
But still. I hadn't taken my pills this morning so I was looking for a rumble. Their casual disregard for my vehicle rubbed me the wrong way, so I left a scathing note: "Thank you for hitting my car!! No note?!!"
That'll teach 'em. I felt vindicated.
And then I got to thinking. How many shortcuts do we take in our lives? How many times do we hit the car next to us with our car door and slink away, or leave our bagels on the shelf with the peas because we've changed our minds? There ought to be inventions to prevent our character from shattering, such as:
- Shopping carts that follow you home if you leave them in the parking lot.
- Cigarrette butts that bounce back into your car if you flick them out the window.
- Parking spaces that shoot up spikes to deflate your tires if you go over the line.
- A gargoyle with a horn that comes out of the back of your car to scare off tailgaters.
- Tranquilizing dart guns that fit on a key chain, for store cashiers that talk too much, or people who are on your TMI list.
- Shirts outfitted with an electric shock field for close talkers or people who try to hug you.
- Fines for whining, compliment-fishing, or posting too many new profile pictures of yourself on Facebook.
- Alarms that go off if someone silently farts in a store and tries to walk away.
Until next time, keep crowin'.