Monday, August 27, 2012

Naughty Bits

There have been several events or aspects of my life lately that all have elements of naughty in them. Bad dogs, prank phone calls, boundary-blurring bosses, and a memorable girls' trip, to name a few. I present them to you now, in snippets.

I only have one dog that is bad, but they both have issues. I recently discovered a wonderful website that publicly shames pets who have misbehaved. You can find it by clicking here.

In that spirit, I would like to announce the shortcomings of my beloved pooches, in the hopes they will be inspired to reform their ways.  Because I am really tired of shopping for new panties.


On Saturday morning, just before I was about to leave for a staycation, I received a call from a woman who knew my husband's name and told me that he was sending lurid messages to young girls, as well as parking outside their apartment.  I explained to her that she had the wrong number, and she proceeded to call me a dumb b*tch.  Naturally, I hung up, but she called again, and this time my husband took the call.  He could not get a word in edgewise, so he hung up as well.  And then called the police, who told him there was nothing they could do about Crazy.

We like to call the police. When my husband and I left home and were living in an apartment in the big city, we got prank calls all the time. One "regular" was a man who was sure that we were Jehovah's Witness pastors, and were preventing his estranged son from having a birthday party.  Another call was from a wedding planning vendor, who took issue when my husband returned his call at 9:00 p.m. on a Sunday night. The man had called me by my first name in his voicemail, which freaked us out. And then yelled at us for calling so late. So, you guessed it, we called the police.  They actually came and told us, as kindly as possible, that perhaps we needed to be less Crazy.

When we lived in our first home together, we called the police all the time on our neighbors, who would vandalize our yard and get in fist fights in the street.  But I am proud to report that I am 7 years "911" sober (with the exception of the time I had to call an ambulance because a desk fell on our stage manager's head during a show clean-up.).


In the year since I accepted a contract position (which means I'm not a real employee and not worth listing on the company website) I have been asked to do ridiculous things for free.  Firstly, I created 4 logos and other design elements for a co-worker's birthday party, to which I was not invited. Most recently, I was asked to produce 3 book covers in 24 hours for a piece on prostate cancer for one of my boss' volunteer hobbies. She said, and I quote, "I said you would do it because I told you to." Someone was big pimpin' and I was the dumb b*tch that let it happen.  So much for Tawanda.  But, in the end, my boss was grateful and realized perhaps this was beyond the scope of my job, and gave me a bonus, which I'm using to buy new panties. (See #1).


The staycation I just enjoyed (See #2) was a lovely outing with 9 friends to a local hotel for pool time, Thai food, and dancing.  We sowed a few wild oats, as some of us (not me) engaged in beer bong hits with frat boys via a plastic flamingo, and laughed the day away with pitchers of sangria, margarita, vodkita, etc.  I am not saying that I was naughty, because I truly believe that I was the victim of a demonic possession, as evidenced by this photo.  I am calling Ghostbusters as soon as I finish this blog:

In closing, I would like to believe that a little naughty is OK.  It spices things up, without getting everyone too hot and bothered.  I encourage everyone to add some Vitamin N to your life - just don't get too Crazy.
Until next time, keep crowin' !

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