Let's Make A Deal

Remember the old game show, Let's Make A Deal?  The host, Monty Hall, would challenge contestants in a high-pressure game of chance.  You had to wear a crazy costume and hope that whatever door, pocket, curtain, or box that you picked would contain the ultimate prize. Here's a clip for you young people:



This show became very relevant to me over Spring Break. This year, we negotiated our plans with our teenage daughter, who wanted to hang with her friends rather than her family.  So, we were faced with two choices.

Door Number One:  Our regular haunt, my oasis, a remote island, accessible only by ferry, drivable only by golf carts, and about as quiet and peaceful as you can achieve without being unconscious.  Zen Momma, Tragically Depressed Daughter.

Door Number Two:  Party Island, my daughter's perfect place, where people walk up and down the highway in thongs and fanny packs, while cars and rented scooters litter the streets like lice on an urchin child's head, and the sounds of police sirens and stereo bass bounce you right out of bed.  Manic Momma, Blissfully Joyful Daughter.

Guess where we went?

Needless to say, my daughter and I had two different vacations.

Here was what was behind my door:

The view from our house - Dusty's Oyster Bar.  We could sit on our front porch and listen to the melody of the intercom system calling for Butler, party of four.

The local floral and fauna in our yard ...

That appeared to reproduce over night ...

This is either a jelly fish or a breast implant.

Gloomy fog or a pot cloud?  You decide.

Woke up one day to this booby trap -
little brother was getting real tired of his sister's sh*t.

Here was what was behind my daughter's door:

Morning Yoga

Pretty beaches to walk, lots of new friends to meet.

Fun in the surf

Restful afternoons in the ENO

So who was the big winner?  Well, surprisingly, we all were.  My daughter had the time of her life, I received some free shock-treatment, and we all came home in one piece with rosier cheeks.  Looking ahead to future vacations, I am happy to report that while Panama City Beach will forever be an asterisk in our Spring Break story, I'm confident that there is a happy medium between isolation and the 9th circle of hell.  At least I hope so, and I have an entire year to find it.

Until next time, keep crowin' and stick with Door Number One!

Gone to the Dogs

We are in our first year of high school lacrosse, and so some of the other JV moms and I have put together a carpool.  The other night I had driving duty, which entailed picking the girls up from practice, taking them to the team pasta dinner, and then bringing them home. The meal was at a varsity player's house, and several varsity moms were providing the food.  It's a fun, team-building event.

Anyway, as I drove from practice to the dinner, traffic was bumper to bumper.  I asked my daughter how long the dinner would last, because I really didn't want to get back in the soup if they planned to eat and run. She told me that I should leave and come back (of course) but ultimately, we compromised on me sitting in my car outside the house. This way, I was not imposing on the busy hosts, and I would not be late picking up.

We pulled up to the house and the girls jumped out.  I positioned my car in a good spot, rolled down the windows, and proceeded to wait.  Within minutes, I noticed a sweet, white Chihuahua running through the yard and out into the street, just as a large work van whizzed by.  I realized that there was no invisible fence, as the dog then left the yard and started trotting down the street.

I took a moment to assess the situation.  The dog seemed to be in mid-life, and may have been confused. With the girls going in and out of the gate of the back yard, it easily could have escaped undetected.  I then took another moment to grapple with the decision between saving the dog's life and embarrassing my daughter.

Morality prevailed, and I opened my car door and called to the dog.  Having recently watched a series of animal rescue videos on YouTube, I knew the proper way to earn his trust and calm any fears he might have about strangers.  It didn't take long, and I was pleased with my success.  I put the dog on my hip and carried him up to the front door.  And despite his short-lived freedom, I could tell he was happy to be going home too - he gave my face a few enthusiastic, wet puppy kisses.

I rang the bell and waited timidly - I am still getting to know these moms, and I knew they weren't expecting me.  As the hostess walked up and opened the door, I had trouble reading the look on her face.  Was it concern over her dog getting out?  Was it stress from the interruption of feeding a horde of hungry girls? Putting on a big smile, I brightly said in a sing song voice, "Did you lose your dog?"  :)

Her response cleared it up for me. "That's not my dog."

A deep abyss of mortification opened wide in front of me.  The aging family treasure I thought I had snatched from the vice grip of death suddenly morphed into a yellow-eyed, disease-ridden stray whose privates were rubbing up against my shirt.

"Oh. Whose dog is it?"
"I don't know. I think it lives in that cul-de-sac, but I am not sure.  It just runs around a lot."

Huh, look at that. The dog doesn't have a tag.

Returning to consciousness, I realized she was talking, "Well, I could bring it in the backyard, but my dog would go berserk."
"Um, I think I will just send it on its way."

And with that, I set the filthy mongrel down and turned to begin the long walk of shame back to my car. Clearly, I needed to burn my clothes and find a sanitizing station as soon as possible.

"Why don't you come in and eat?  We have plenty."

Knowing my fate as the team idiot was already sealed, I tucked tail and went inside, making a lame joke about seeing a raccoon that I could bring in as well.  All of the hostesses were perfectly lovely, but I knew I could never see any of them ever again.

Driving home, the girls found my story funny, and I believe my daughter felt so sorry for me that she forgave my breach of etiquette.  As for the little white devil, he better hope he never sees me again - I will go all Cruella de Vil on his @$$.

Until next time, keep crowin' and when in doubt, stay in the car!!!

 

And I Quote

In our house, we play a lot of sports.  There is always a practice or a game - I just sit in my car and wait for someone I know to get in.  And not only is it hectic, but it is demanding.  Both of my kids are now at a level of play where they are experiencing true competition, where coaches are no longer required to be fair, but to win. There is a constant pressure to earn your spot on your team over and over, and over, again.

In my day, sports didn't really gear up until high school - I don't remember locking in with an agent by 3rd grade.  But here we are, and there it is.

My kids have set goals and are working to achieve them.  And just like any other humans, they have good days and bad.  But every time they walk out the door, I like to arm them with the right words.

"The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday."
"Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself."
"Once in awhile, blow your own damn mind."

As the legend goes, when my Great Grandma was in her child-bearing years, she kept baby names in her apron pocket.  Every time she gave birth, she would pull a name out and bestow it upon her child.  They were excellent, hearty, full-bodied names, like Beulah Exolona and Ruby Leota.  In that spirit, I keep photos of Pinterest quotes on my smartphone, so that I am ready at a moment's notice to produce creative word genius.

Since we are in the height of their respective seasons, I have been flipping through my camera roll more than usual.  The challenge is, how to continue to provide fresh motivation to my kids on the sports roller coaster? What goes down must come up?  The only thing you have to fear is fear itself?  At least you didn't throw up?

I can't draw on my own athletic experience, because it consists of two middle school basketball practices and a single season of tennis my freshman year of high school.  I then succumbed to the asthma, at which point Coach Coffee told my teammates, "That Alison, she is sorry."

But what I can draw on is my own desire to be proud of myself, to truly feel I have done my best every day. I encourage that with my children, even though I don't exactly know how to achieve it.  That's an entirely separate Pinterest board ...

"Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can."
"When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'plot twist!' and move on."
"The Mad Hatter: 'Have I gone mad?'  Alice: 'I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret.  All the best people are.'"

The best quotes get right to the heart of the matter, and bring us just a little extra enlightenment. Will they help us run faster, score more often, and win MVP?  I don't have scientific proof.  But the right words can tap into a universal feeling or need, and give the reader a bit of comfort that the world is with them, in good times and bad.  And, just like a fortune cookie, they can often bring a pleasant surprise.

Until next time, keep crowin'!

Signage

My Sunday began with a man on a unicycle and ended with a man in a kilt.  I know these are signs from the universe, I just don't know what my next move is.

My husband and I had decided it was time to replace my 14-year-old car.  Not only was it falling apart and smelled, but you just can't get into the good carpools with a two-row car.  And I need good carpools.  I literally have kids at sports practices and games literally every single night of my life.  I use the term "literally" because it is burned on my brain after the last carpool with my daughter's lacrosse teammates.  They literally said literally about literally 30 times.

As we were driving to CarMax, I began feeling the early warning signs of a panic attack. This came on for several reasons - I hate the car buying process, I hate change, and I hate that I cannot handle the car buying process and change.

As I was deep breathing, we pulled up to the dealership, just in time to see a 57 year old man with a hemp-induced beard casually rolling along the highway on his unicycle. This was clearly a red flag, so I turned to my husband and said, "We need to abort."  But he held my hand ever so very tightly onto the gear shift and we pushed through.

So, what defines "a sign"?  Is it a hippie on a one-wheel bike?  Is it the country fried wisdom on the tire store billboard?  Is it the dream at night that seems so real you think it actually happened?

I once had a classmate in an improv acting course who told me that she was intuitive. Intrigued, I asked her what she could tell about me.  She said that I believed that I received secret messages from the newspaper.  Well ....









I am inclined to disagree with the lady, but not because she may or may not have been a wackadoo, but because I don't believe I receive signs - I believe I LOOK for them.  Signs of aging, signs of weakness, signs of  trouble at every turn. Clearly, I take all signs as bad ones.

This is where the man in the kilt comes in. About 9:00 o'clock Sunday night, after a long, stressful day of organizing and shuttling and errands and lists, my daughter and I drove to the Kroger for just one more thing.  As we were walking in, a man with blue hair in a fully-accessorized kilt came walking out.  I tried to telepathically urge my daughter to make a sharp u-turn.  But, when I looked over at her to convey this warning, she was smiling. What I took as a sign of clear and present Braveheart danger, she viewed as a quirky little nugget in an otherwise mundane errand.  However, as a disclaimer, I should mention that she once tried to take a selfie in front of a drug arrest in a park, and when deciding on an elective for school, she was sold on Forensics when told fake blood would be involved.

But still.  I found our different perspectives so interesting, and realized that perhaps I should take a chapter out of her book.  Why couldn't the funny little out-of-context men actually be nice signs?  Maybe the universe wasn't warning me of something wicked this way coming, but warming me up for something good? Is it possible that I am missing the whole point?  Or do I just need to adjust my dosage ....

Like I said, I don't know what my next move is.  One thing I do know is that I am going to try it my daughter's way, and attempt to look at the world, and people, with more trusting eyes.  And I am definitely going to start reading the newspaper again.

Until next time, keep crowin'!

Momopause

The other day I was on Instagram, watching a Ball is Life video.  This particular feature was of a young man in high school who is obviously a basketball phenom. He ducked and dodged and twirled the ball around like it was a yo-yo --- he made basketball look like Swan Lake.  And then there was the boy defending him, in proper position and with ample speed, but clearly embarking on a suicide mission.  It wasn't 10 seconds before the defender was flat on the ground, tripped up by the guile and trickery of our Boy Wonder.

My son would watch that video and be in awe of the skill of the star player.  I watched it and felt for the mama that was going to have to find the perfect words for her humiliated son, whose "ankle breaking" was now immortalized on social media.

When did I switch?  When did I start seeing the world as an after-school special?

One clue may have come the other day, when I woke up in bed with the night sweats, which, according to Google, is either idiopathic hyperhidrosis, or ... the early stages of menopause.

Gasp. It's a musical, it's a punch line, but I am here to tell you - it's no joke.  I am no longer a baby, a honey, or a ragtime gal.  I cannot separate my will from my body.  But then again, at 42 1/2 it may be too soon for me to be crying menopause.  My symptoms - the sweat, the worry, the grey hair, the slow trickle of pee - could just be, in my case, related to motherhood.  Perhaps it is Momopause.*

* I thought I was so clever coming up with that, until I did a little research and found out someone else already thought of it.  Oh well.

But anyway, Momopause, I think, is a real thing.  It happens when you have teenagers, but you are especially susceptible if you are in your 40's when that occurs.  It's like mid-life crisis meets empty-nest syndrome.  When you realize that your parenting years are finite, and that your kids will be out on their own within minutes, and you need to cram in as many life lessons as you can on a daily, nay hourly, basis.

Suddenly, you aren't thinking about playdates and piano lessons and winter coats.  Now, you are pondering colleges, careers, and potential mates.  Are my kids good people?  Are they working too hard?  Are they not working hard enough?  Can they say no to drugs?  Do they want to say no to drugs? Are they happy?  Are they sad?  Did someone just ask me to draw her a bath?!

I had just about worked myself into a frenzy thinking about all of this today while driving to my upteenth child pick up/drop off of the afternoon.  As I pulled up into a driveway to pick up my daughter, I activated my voice texting to send her the usual message, "I am here."

And then it hit me.  That's it. That's the only thing I need to make very sure of, the main thing I need to send them into adulthood with - that both of my kids know, with 100% certainty, that I am here.  I am here when they triumph, I am here when they fail.  I am here to give advice, and I am here to help pick up the pieces when said advice is not taken.  I am here to bail them out, to hold them up, to stand aside and let them shine. I am here.  Hot flashes and all, I am here.  Momopause could be the beginning of something beautiful, if only I could let go, just a little.  We'll see.

Until next time, keep crowin' - and don't try to save the world - just be there when it needs a hug.

Life According to Fenton

This is literally the best thing I have ever seen.



I have watched this video over and over and over again.  And I laugh with tears rolling down my face every time.  It's funny and it's real and it's actually a perfect explanation of the meaning of life.

I can so relate to Fenton's Human (FH).  Here they are, having a lovely stroll in the park --- like they do every day --- amongst the wild deer in the sunshine.  FH is probably thinking about his to-do list, resolving to finish a basement project and get caught up on his correspondence, and to simply make it a good, significant, productive day, which will begin just as soon as Fenton takes a whizz.  But on this day, without explanation, Fenton has an epiphany and realizes there is more to life than peeing on a tree.  And thus, he takes off into the deep blue yonder with full abandon.

FH has now lost complete control.  His schedule is irreparably taken off course, his tranquility ripped apart like a scab on a band aid.  Further, Fenton is absolutely not listening to anything except the call of the wild, and this could potentially lead to:  a) severe public humiliation for FH; b) a gruesome death to one or more innocent deer; c) multiple fines levied by the township for a violation of many laws; or d) all of the above.  And best of all, someone got it on video.

So many days, I feel like FH, just chasing after my life, desperately trying to:

• Offer my best at work
• Manage volunteer responsibilities
• Keep the house within fire marshal guidelines
• Replenish food every 36 hours
• Give the impression that I am successfully raising a teen and a tween
• Pretend I make time for my spouse, and 
• Deal with my rear end, which is resisting the confines of denim like a popcorn bag in an overheated microwave.

But then, I can also feel like Fenton.  On the days when I realize that I have zero control over any of the bullet points in my world, I drive myself to Taco Bell in my pajamas and play Soda Crush on my Ipad until I beat that #$%@^ level.

Of course, the moral of the story is that there is a balance, that we can mow the lawn AND run through it naked with the sprinklers on.  Maybe the next time Fenton has a psychotic break, FH will realize that it's only temporary, that his dog will come back, and that he should enjoy the moment to lay down amongst the flowers and be thankful for all the things that make him happy.  He just needs to make sure he doesn't lay down in deer poo.

Until next time, keep crowin' - and this one's for you, Arie!

NoLo

Hey, i am in traffic court.  Carolyn home if the boys need anything.

Did ur cop show?

I think he is here.  Is that bad?

not sure.

What?  What do you mean?  Is there going to be testimony?  I'm not prepped for trial!  Why would this woman tattoo "Boobie" on her back?

All Rise.  Court is now in session.  The Honorable Judge Something Schow Schow presiding.

These people all look guilty of serious crimes.  And I hope that woman is just asleep.

Good afternoon.  Before we begin, I would like to explain your options today. Everyone here has been accused of a misdemeanor crime, which is punishable by a $1,000 fine and up to a year in prison.

I'm going to JAIL?!  For speeding?!

However, if you plead nolo or guilty today, I will only assess a $150 fine.  You may also plead not guilty, and ask for a bench or jury trial, compliant, or first offense. I will consider other options for first offenders.

Thank God. I'll take  Nolo for $150, Alex.

If you are under 21, please stand.  Ma'am did you receive a citation?  No? You're with her? Then you can sit down.

Rookie mistake.  At least the other perps and I are bonding over a laugh. Might help me on the inside.

So, I am going to leave the room.  When the clerk says your name, please call out your plea. 

Roll call?  We have to say it out loud?  What happened to attorney client privilege?  These people don't know my life!

Mary Anderson?

Tom Baker?

Marshall Coleman?

Where is everyone?  Am I in the right place?

Ann Davis?

Guilty.

Guilty of what?! GUILTY OF WHAT?!

John English?

I gotta question.

What's your plea Mr. English?

Naw, I gotta question.

We'll speak with you later.

June Franklin?

NOT.  GUILTY.

Oh hell, she's pissed

Steve Olson?

First offense.

Alison Paul?

Speak you idiot, speak!

Nolo!

What are they writing down?  Who is she calling?  

Ms. Franklin?  Please step outside with your officer.

Now what is this?  Where are they going? Is he letting her off so he can go home?   What a scam.  I am changing my plea.  But then I have to talk to my cop - alone.  And do I really know what is happening out there? What if she is getting manacled?  I'm actually kinda guilty ...  They're back.  She's sitting down.  She still looks mad.

Mr. Olson, please come forward.  Carl, which driving course does he sign up for?

Driving course?  How is that better than just paying the fine?  Or is it online?  Do they check to see if you are really a first offender?  Maybe I'll roll the dice.  I can totally do online.

Yes ma'am, can I help you?

I miss court yesterday.  What do I do?

According to your original date here, you were supposed to go to criminal court.  Have you taken your 12-week anger management course?

Oh HELL no.  I call a recess.  

Ms. Paul?  Please come forward.

Here we go.  Don't overdo it.  Get your dress out of your butt.

Ms. Paul, by pleading nolo today, you understand that you cannot plead nolo again for 5 years?

You people will never see me again.  If I have to drive on the emergency brake for the rest of my life, I swear it.

Please sign here and you can go pay.

Hurry and sign.  Don't ask questions.  Go, just go ... no!  Don't follow the officer.  Hang back!  HANG BACK!

Just walk like you're an attorney ... no one will judge.  OK, this was the wrong way.  Keep walking like you meant to go down the alley.  Don't look at that man.  Where's my car?  It's not up here!  It's been stolen!  Oh God.  Wait ... ... there it is - at the top of THAT parking deck.  I think I've got my next blog ....

Until next time, keep crowin' and drive 55!